New York Governor David Patterson and his wife Michelle

Star Love Talk

By Ladawn Black

Do Women Cheat?

New York Governor Patterson and his wife admitted to both having affairs during a rough patch in their marriage.  While this is not a shocking situation for a political figure to be in, it has been interesting to me to see the reaction that some in the press and
well-known bloggers have had to the admission.  Some feel that the Governor’s wife is just admitting to an affair to make her husband look better because “women do not cheat.” When I read some of these comments, I could not believe the sexist undertones and how out of touch people must be with what really goes on behind closed doors.  Nightly on my radio show and virtually all day every day through advice seeking emails I have to address women who have for many diverse reasons sought love and sex outside of their core relationships. Women do indeed cheat and sometimes are judged more harshly for it.  I doubt that the Governor’s wife would place her hat in the cheating ring just for giggles when her image, her children’s feelings and her family’s view of her all hang in the balance.

It appears that the couple has been able to move on from this rough patch. You can indeed save a relationship where one or both mates have cheated and this is how you do it:

Commit Through Actions Not Just Words
Now is the time to switch up your patterns.  You have to demonstrate through actions that cheating is no longer an option.  Do not just give lip service to being a changed woman or man, but put the actions in to support the words.  This may mean making sure that your lover knows where you are at all times, changing your cell number, not hanging with friends that your lover views as questionable or deleting your MySpace page.

Go Squeaky Clean
Reveal all that went on during the affair.  Let your lover know “the who, the when, the what and how many.” Be open to answering every little question they may have no matter how insignificant you may think it is. Full disclosure is important so that no small detail can come back down the road and torpedo the healing that has taken place in the relationship.

Know Your Triggers
We all have things that draw us to others and we also know when our lovers have struck a piss-off chord that sends us reeling. If you can see that something is only appealing because you and your lover had a fight the night before or that you are simply flattered that someone took the time to notice your nice suit or the fact that you’ve started working out, then you will enjoy the flattery and keep it moving. Know your triggers and process for starting to cheat and avoid them.  I had a listener who discovered that his friendly lunches were trouble and he had to stop doing lunch with women at work – this was his trigger.

Sexy Dilemma of the Week

LaDawn,

My man and I have been married for 6 years with 3 children, but just 3 months ago I started to have an affair with his step brother.  If it wasn’t for the kids, I would have left him a long time ago. My husband and I have no sex life and I am not attracted to him anymore I am in deep love with his brother.

Sister:

What are you doing?  Having the affair is life changing enough, but really with someone in his family! Not a good idea.  At this point it is about fixing the mess and developing a plan to fix things without destroying everything. If you truly love the step brother, then separate from your husband and come clean about the relationship to your husband. He deserves to know about the affair and that his brother may not be totally in his corner.  Be prepared for widespread hate from your husband’s family and maybe even a bit of a custody battle where your husband chooses to keep the kids. Unfortunately, your choice in lovers has made your judgment questionable and the effects widespread.  Once you are on your own, really evaluate whether or not step brother is the love of your life.  It may be a situation where the excitement and love was fueled by the cheating and once the element of cheating is removed the relationship may not be that hot. There is a lot of work ahead of you to get the healing going.

-L

 LaDawn Black is a relationship expert, author and radio personality who has been featured in ESSENCE, Cosmopolitan and GLAMOUR and now she’s coming to myvoicedc.com to help you with your relationship.